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Donald Trump has repeatedly promised to bar Muslim foreigners from the United States. More recently, he’s called for “extreme vetting” of such people. Given his pronouncements, it’s not surprising that Muslim immigrants and asylum seekers are worried. But fear not – there is an easy solution for people affected by the ban: Convert to Judaism.
When Trumpette first converted, we were kvelling. Now, we're verbissen.
“What!!??! How can I change my religion? I don’t know anything about Judaism,” you say. Do not fret; I am here to help. I will explain to you how to be Jewish. It’s really not that hard. Jews and Muslims are already a lot alike. We both hate pork and love hummus. We're both perpetuating the War on Christmas by wishing others, "Happy holidays." And we both really want to own Jerusalem. See, we're practically cousins.
Besides, converting to Judaism is the perfect cover. Donald Trump's own daughter converted, and he hasn't tried to ban her from anything.
So how do you “pass” as Jewish?
The first thing to know is that a Jewish person never answers a question. Instead, he responds with a question of his own, often followed by a complaint. So for example, if someone asks you, “How are you doing today?,” you don’t say, “I’m fine.” Instead, you say something like, “How should I be doing? What with my bad stomach. My fakakta doctor prescribed me some pills, but they do bubkis.” Get it? Let’s try an example in the immigration context. Here’s a common question that you might encounter:
Immigration Officer: “How many children do you have?”
Non-Jewish Answer: “Three.”
Jewish Answer: “How should I know? They never call, they never write. My youngest is running around with some shiksa. And my oldest! Don’t even get me started. I told her, ‘Go to medical school, like your cousin Herbie,’ but what does she do? Majors in Liberal Arts. Feh! Her father and I spend $50,000 a year on college so she can work as a barista. Oy, what tsuress. Just thinking about it, I'm verklempt already.
You see – It’s easy. Here’s another one. Let’s say that someone asks you a question that you want to avoid answering. One way to do that is by minimizing the importance of the question, and then making the questioner feel guilty about asking it. We Jews do that by taking the most important word in the question, replacing the first letter in the word with “schm” and then repeating it back. Often, this is followed by a reference to the Nazis. Here’s an example in the immigration context to help clarify what I mean:
Immigration Officer: “Hello sir, may I please see your visa?”
Non-Jewish Answer: “Here is my visa.”
Jewish Answer: “Visa, schmisa! Do you think I’ve been sitting on a plane squished up like a sardine for the last 12 hours just so some Himmler-wanna-be can ask for my papers? My family didn’t survive the Holocaust, not to mention the pogroms, just to have some shmendrick treat me like a gonif. Next thing you know, you’ll be deporting me to a camp. The whole thing makes me want to plotz.”
At that point, your interrogator will likely let you pass through customs just to get rid of you, which is another advantage of converting to Judaism.
OK, I think you’ve got it. But here’s one last example. This one's a bit more advanced, so pay attention. If you can master it, no one will ever question your newfound Judaism. In English, most sentences are constructed with a noun, followed by a verb. We Jews often reverse that construction. So we wouldn't say, "She is a fast driver." Instead, we might say, "Fast, she drives." But typically, we'd try to be a bit more colorful: "Fast, shmast. Like Marrio Andretti, she drives." And here it is in the immigration context:
Immigration Officer: “The fee for your green card is $1,070.”
Non-Jewish Answer: “Here is $1,070.”
Jewish Answer: “Nu? One thousand and seventy?! What am I, a Rothschild? Why don't you take my first born son while your at it. Maybe you can get some schlemiel to pony up that kind of money, but not me. Anyway, gelt like this, I don't have. Maybe the big machers can afford your fees, but not us little pishers. Now, be a mensch and hand to me your brochures about moving to Canada?"
So that's it. Look, it isn't pretty to have to convert (or pretend to convert) to survive. We Jews have done it before (remember the Spanish Inquisition and the crypto-Jews?), but I suppose it beats the alternative. Anyway, in four years, when Michelle Obama becomes president, you can always convert back.
Originally posted on the Asylumist: www.Asylumist.com.
Updated 08-25-2016 at 10:34 AM by JDzubow
This post is by my esteemed law partner Todd Pilcher. Todd's practice focuses on asylum and family-based immigration. Over the course of his career, Todd has represented hundreds of immigrants and asylum seekers from all over the world, with a particular focus on asylum seekers from Central Asia and Latin America. He is also an adjunct professor of asylum and refugee law at the George Washington University Law School. Prior to joining Dzubow & Pilcher, Todd worked for many years as a senior managing attorney at Whitman-Walker Health Legal Services in Washington, DC.
Todd Pilcher is waiting for a coup attempt at Dzubow & Pilcher, so he has an excuse to clean house.
Until the recent coup d’état attempt in Turkey on July 15, 2016, most people in the United States--including journalists and human rights advocates--had never heard about the Gulen Movement or its founder Fethullah Gulen. That all changed after the Turkish government blamed the coup effort on Mr. Gulen and his followers and demanded his extradition from the U.S., where he has lived in exile since 1999. Since then, American and international press agencies have published numerous articles about this man and his movement.
While people in the West may be surprised that they only recently learned about “one of the world’s most important Muslim figures” and his movement promoting secular government, democracy, and religious tolerance, they should not be surprised that some governments in Central Asia and Eastern Europe have persecuted Mr. Gulen's followers for many years.
I am an attorney specializing in political asylum. In my practice, I have worked with several Gulen movement followers who have fled horrific government abuse in their home countries and applied for asylum in the United States. In the wake of the failed coup and the vicious crackdown against followers in Turkey and throughout Central Asia, I expect to assist more such asylum seekers in the coming months.
Gulen movement supporters who have been persecuted or who fear persecution in their home country due to an association with the movement should qualify for a grant of asylum in the U.S. on the basis of both religion and political opinion. Even those who are not closely associated with the movement, but who fear persecution because the government falsely accuses them of involvement, should have strong cases for asylum.
Any religious movement, such as the Gulen movement, that promotes the ideals of secular governance, nonviolence, religious and cultural pluralism, and respect for science alongside its spiritual teachings should be a welcome element in Central Asia and Russia. Unfortunately, many governments see the Gulen movement as a mortal threat to their dominance. In Turkey, Russia, Uzbekistan, and Tajikistan, Gulenist schools have been shut down. In many instances, followers have been subjected to harassment, detention, and torture. We have learned from clients and press reports that in Russia, government security agents have routinely raided Gulen movement meetings in private residences, confiscated reading materials, and arrested the participants. Once in detention, the Gulen movement followers undergo interrogations and severe beatings. The women are frequently raped and movement leaders are sentenced to long prison terms or killed outright. The treatment of Gulen movement followers in Uzbekistan is at least as horrific due to the country’s chronic conflict with Turkey and the consistently unhinged behavior of the country’s dictator, Islam Karimov, and his henchmen.
For the present, international focus on the crackdown against Gulen movement followers remains on Turkey. But the mistreatment of Gulen followers will also likely rise dramatically throughout the region and beyond as dictatorial governments seek to confirm their paranoid suspicions and keep their prisons filled with perceived opponents. The U.S. and other countries that respect their moral and international legal obligations to protect refugees will continue to face the dilemma of speaking out forcefully against the mistreatment of Gulen movement followers while also trying to maintain important strategic relationships with the countries that have ramped up their persecution.
Originally posted on the Asylumist: www.Asylumist.com.
This August, 10 athletes will compete in the Olympic games not as representatives of their countries of citizenship, but as refugees. For the first time in the history of the Olympics, there will be a "Refugee Team," composed of individuals from four countries: Democratic Republic of the Congo, Ethiopia, South Sudan, and Syria. The athletes will participate in a variety of sports, including swimming, track and field, and judo.
Refugee athletes are expected to do well in such sports as "Completing Endless Forms" (pictured) and "Waiting Forever In Line."
Here are the stories of a few of these inspiring Olympians:
James Nyang Chiengjiek (age: 28; country of origin: South Sudan; sport: 400 meters) - James is from Bentiu, South Sudan. His father was a soldier who died in 1999 during the war. When he was a young boy he took care of cattle. He escaped from South Sudan when the war broke out, as he risked conscription into the army to participate in the war as a child soldier. James arrived in Kenya in 2002 and stayed in a UNHCR-supported refugee camp. He attended school and started running there. He was selected to train at the Tegla Loroupe Peace Foundation in 2013, and has been there ever since (four others on the Refugee Team also train at the TLPF).
Yusra Mardini (age: 18; country of origin: Syria; sport: 100 meter freestyle) - Prior to the war in Syria, Yusra was a competitive swimmer who represented her country in international competitions. As the war intensified, Yusra and her sister left Damascus in early August 2015 and reached Berlin in September 2015. To get there, they had to cross the Aegean in a small boat. When the engine died, Yusra and a few others—the only swimmers on board—jumped into the water and pushed the boat for 3½ hours to shore. Since she reached Germany, Yusra has been training at the club Wasserfreunde Spandau 04 e.V. which is a partner of the Elite Schools of Sport in Berlin.
Yolande Bukasa Mabika (age: 28; country of origin: Democratic Republic of the Congo; sport: Judo) - Yolande is originally from Bukavu, the area worst affected by the DRC civil war from 1998 to 2003. During the war, she was separated from her parents and taken to a children's home. There, she took up Judo, which the government encouraged as a way to give structure to the lives or orphans. As a professional Judoka, she represented the Democratic Republic of the Congo in international competitions. After years of difficult training conditions, she decided to seek asylum in Brazil during the World Judo Championships in Rio in 2013. She currently trains at the Instituto Reação in Rio de Janeiro.
Popole Misenga (age 24; country of origin: Democratic Republic of the Congo; sport: Judo) - Like his Judoka teammate, Yolande Bukasa Mabika, Popole is originally from Bukavu in the DRC. His mother was murdered when he was only six years old. Afterward, he wandered in a rain forest for a week before he was rescued. As a professional Judoka, he represented the Democratic Republic of the Congo in international competitions. Along with Yolande, Popole sought asylum in Brazil during the World Judo Championships in 2013. He currently trains at the Instituto Reação in Rio de Janeiro.
Yonas Kinde (age 36; country of origin: Ethiopia; sport: Marathon) - Yonas left Ethiopia due to political problems. He has been under international protection in Luxembourg since October 2013. He has competed in many marathons and reached the qualifying standards for Rio during the Frankfurt Marathon in October 2015. He currently trains at the national school of physical education and sports in Luxembourg.
Rose Nathike Lokonyen (age 23; country of origin: South Sudan; sport: 800 meters) - After her community was burned by armed men, ten-year-old Rose and her family left South Sudan and arrived in Kakuma refugee camp in 2002. Her parents returned to South Sudan in 2008 but her siblings remained in Kakuma refugee camp. During her time at school, she participated in many barefoot running competitions and in 2015 she participated in a 10 km run in Kakuma organized by the Tegla Loroupe Foundation. She has been training with the foundation ever since.
The Refugee Team is a part of a broader effort on the part of the International Olympic Committee ("IOC") to assist and bring attention to refugees. As IOC President Thomas Bach has said, the Refugee Team "will be a symbol of hope for all the refugees in our world, and will make the world better aware of the magnitude of this crisis. It is also a signal to the international community that refugees are our fellow human beings and are an enrichment to society." It's an important role for these young athletes, and we certainly wish them the best at the Olympic Games and beyond.
Originally posted on the Asylumist: www.Asylumist.com.
My friend and office mate Sheryl Winarick is an immigration attorney, advocate and entrepreneur based in Washington, DC and Austin, TX. Before starting her own immigration law practice in 2007, she spent eight years working for national non-profit organizations–Catholic Legal Immigration Network and the Justice For Our Neighbors program of the United Methodist Committee on Relief. She is currently in Residence at the TED office in New York and serves on HIAS' Public Policy Committee. Here, she writes about her experience as an attorney-volunteer assisting refugee women and children at the Southern border:
Sheryl Winarick, do-gooder.
Stories of the European refugee crisis continue to flood the headlines, but mass media seems to forget we have a refugee crisis in America, too. Since the beginning of fiscal year 2014, over 120,000 unaccompanied children and an additional 120,000 people in family units–mostly young mothers with children–have arrived at the U.S. border seeking protection from violence in Central America.
In March, I spent a week volunteering for the Refugee and Immigrant Center for Education and Legal Services (RAICES)–one of several partner organizations that comprise the CARA Pro Bono Project. I was assigned to represent women and children before the immigration court in San Antonio, Texas. Karnes County Residential Center, operated by the U.S. Department of Homeland Security, houses these refugees in harsh conditions while they wait for a judge to determine their fate. Their stories are tragic, as is the reality that most of these desperate human beings do not qualify for protection under U.S. law, despite the well-documented probability that they will face severe violence and harm if they are returned to their countries of origin.
General violence, extortion, corruption and impunity are endemic in countries like Honduras and El Salvador. However, in order to qualify for political asylum, an applicant must demonstrate that the persecution or harm she fears is targeted against her specifically “on account of” her race, religion, nationality, political opinion, or membership in a particular social group (PSG). Usually, PSG is the only hope, and eligibility hinges on a combination of the facts unique to each case, access to representation, and the appointed judge’s interpretation of PSG (which is not strictly defined).
As I sat in the courtroom while my clients spoke to a judge via video conference from the Karnes detention center, I imagined how they must feel and the thoughts that might race through their minds. Karnes is about 60 miles southeast of the court in San Antonio, so it made more sense for other RAICES volunteers to prepare them for court. That means they had never met me in person, and here I was representing them in what could be the most important hearing of their life.
How could they comprehend who I am, why I am there, and how I could know best what to say to the judge? Imagine, these desperate women, completely dependent on the help of strangers speaking a strange language in a strange land. They don't understand our legal system, and how can they possibly trust institutions of justice here in the U.S. when parallel institutions in their own countries are so corrupt? To make matters worse, the first thing we do to them (and their 3, 4, 5-year-old kids) is lock them up in detention facilities. The only truth they know is that they had no choice but to leave home if they wanted to live and to give their children a fair shot at life.
There are no easy answers. My hope is for our elected officials and for individuals like you and me to confront our collective reality with courage and compassion. People all over the world are wrestling with these very real issues daily; some of us from the comfort of our homes and others from jail cells in unfamiliar places. We must seek solutions for those in need and fight for rights and dignity for all people.
For a minute, close your eyes and imagine if this was your story, simply to be born into a hostile environment. Say a prayer for those in need, definitely give thanks for the freedom and relative comforts you enjoy, and do whatever you can to make a positive impact in this world we share.
This article originally appeared on the HIAS website.
This posting also appears on the Asylumist: www.asylumist.com.
The Republican Party Platform is finally here (yippee!). While the document does not bind either the party or its candidate, it does tell us something about Republican thinking on a wide variety of topics. Two paragraphs in the 54-page Platform cover asylum and refugee issues, and I want to discuss those here.
The RNC Platform would block "the gays" from receiving asylum in the U.S. It would also make it easier for them to get asylum FROM the U.S.
Interestingly, the Platform itself does not call for a “total and complete shutdown of Muslims entering the United States." However, it does view asylum through the prism of national security, and it does place extra scrutiny on people coming from “regions associated with Islamic terrorism.”
The first paragraph of interest (found on page 26 of the Platform) reconfirms America’s commitment to assisting refugees, but with a few caveats--
From its beginning, our country has been a haven of refuge and asylum. That should continue — but with major changes. Asylum should be limited to cases of political, ethnic or religious persecution. As the Director of the FBI has noted, it is not possible to vet fully all potential refugees. To ensure our national security, refugees who cannot be carefully vetted cannot be admitted to the country, especially those whose homelands have been the breeding grounds for terrorism.
I take issue with a few points here. First, the Platform seeks to limit asylum to people who face “political, ethnic or religious persecution.” Under our current law, a person can qualify for asylum if she fears persecution on account of race, religion, nationality, political opinion or particular social group. Presumably, “ethnic” persecution in the Platform refers to persecution on account of race or nationality under existing law, which means that four of the five protected categories are covered in the RNC document.
Conspicuously absent from the Platform’s language, however, is protection for people who are members of a “particular social group.” This omission is significant for a few reasons. First, it contravenes our treaty obligations (we are signatories to the 1967 Protocol Relating to the Status of Refugees, which covers all five protected categories). If we seek to modify our obligations under the treaty, other countries may follow suit. This would have an unfortunate ripple effect on refugee protection throughout the world. It would also downgrade our leadership role with regards to refugee resettlement, and may signal a withdrawal of our leadership in world affairs more generally.
Second, the change would mean that we no longer offer refuge to many people who we now protect. Those who fear persecution on account of sexual orientation, female genital mutilation, and domestic violence are some prime examples of people we protect because they are members of a particular social group ("PSG"). Indeed, those refugees most affected by this change would be women and sexual minorities. I suppose this is consistent with the rest of the RNC Platform, which--to say the least--is not all that friendly towards women or LGBT individuals.
Third, eliminating PSG as a protected category would effectively end any possibility for relief for the unaccompanied minors who have been arriving at our Southern border in large numbers since about 2012. Most of these young people are fleeing violence in Central America. They already have a difficult time obtaining protection in the U.S., but if the PSG category were eliminated, the likelihood that any of them could obtain asylum would become virtually nil.
The second paragraph in the RNC Platform related to refugees appears on page 42 of the document--
[We] cannot ignore the reality that border security is a national security issue, and that our nation’s immigration and refugee policies are placing Americans at risk. To keep our people safe, we must secure our borders, enforce our immigration laws, and properly screen refugees and other immigrants entering from any country. In particular we must apply special scrutiny to those foreign nationals seeking to enter the United States from terror-sponsoring countries or from regions associated with Islamic terrorism. This was done successfully after September 11, 2001, under the National Security Entry-Exit Registration System, which should be renewed now.
I take issue with a number of points in this paragraph, but here I will discuss only those related to refugees. First, the paragraph echos Donald Trump, who has claimed that we don't know where these refugees come from, or who they are. This is utterly false. In truth, we know far more about the refugees who come here than we know about other categories of immigrants or non-immigrant visitors. Refugees are subject to intensive screenings and multiple background checks. Indeed, we probably know more about the refugees (and immigrants) entering our country than we know about our own citizens, and most studies show that such people are less likely to commit crimes than the native born.
I also disagree with the Platform's plan to re-start the National Security Entry-Exit Registration System ("NSEERS"), which was suspended in 2011. Under NSEERS, men and boys from many Arab and Muslim countries were required to specially register with the U.S. government. The confusing system led to great difficulty for many of these people (and their families), but resulted in no terrorism-related convictions. In other words, there is basically no evidence that NSEERS made us any safer, but there is plenty of evidence that it harmed innocent people who happened to be from Arab or Muslim countries.
Finally, there is one point in the Platform that I agree with: We must continue to screen refugees and others who come to our country from regions that produce terrorists (and from everywhere else as well). Of course, we already do this, and I don't think there is anyone in American who thinks we should do otherwise. The RNC's implied accusation here is that Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama have been letting un-vetted refugees enter our country. That is a lie, and anyone who follows the painfully-slow process of refugee admissions knows it.
What little the RNC has to say in its Platform is not good for refugees, and it is especially bad for refugees who happen to be women, children, LGBT individuals or Muslims. If there is a silver lining here, I suppose it is that the Platform devotes only two paragraphs to refugee issues. These days, when it comes to Republicans and refugees, the less said, the better.
Originally posted on the Asylumist: www.Asylumist.com.
Updated 07-28-2016 at 11:35 AM by JDzubow